I Shouldn't, But I Do

Why do I have this care, this ability to restrain? This fear of wrongdoing. Why?
I barely care for humanity as a whole.
God knows I don't give two flying cusses about myself.
This need is tearing a whole through me, but I literally can't do anything about it.
Maybe this is to be my winter. All to my own to enjoy. But I feel like I can't enjoy it without that which I need.
If there's any justice in the universe, then I am receiving it currently.
Karma circles. I got the, "good." Now it's time for the, "bad."
But it's like those terrible days, where somehow nothing bothers you. Walking through fire and mistaking the flames licking your heels for ice that you can't keep the balls of your feet stable on.
I'm not tired anymore.
I'm not stressed anymore.
I'm not worried anymore.
I'm just existing, co-exsisting, and living.

Or something like that.

I'm more like: Worried that i'll get stressed and tired over not existing, co-existing, or living like I should.

And I shouldn't. But I do.

And that's the story of my life right now.

"I shouldn't, but I do."

How much is it to rent a hearse? I don't think i'll have the money for it when the time comes.